After over 20 years as a child therapist and parent coach, a decade of meeting trans kids and their families, and 17 years as a parent myself, I’ve found these three parenting principles invaluable. They’re simple in concept—though not always easy to implement:
Believe your kid when they tell you who they are.
Your struggle to understand your kid’s identity is your responsibility, not theirs.
Raising a kid takes a village—make sure you’re using yours.
Believe Them
Kids show us who they are in countless ways, whether it’s wearing the same shirt for days or twirling to the music in their head. When your child trusts you enough to share their gender identity, your most vital job is to believe them. You don’t need to fully understand to accept and respect their truth.
A mom I interviewed shared this advice: “The first steps are kindness, openness, and support. You don’t have to grasp all the nuances right away—that’s okay.” Trusting your kids helps them trust themselves, building their confidence and self-esteem. One parent noted how her relationship with her son grew stronger after accepting his gender: “We actually talk more now. Everything he feels strongly about makes so much more sense to me.”
Do Your Work
Believing your kid is step one, but what if you’re struggling to understand? That’s where your work begins: educate yourself, find support, and navigate your emotions. It’s not your child’s job to slow down or simplify their journey for your comfort.
A mom of a trans daughter put it well: “If someone’s identity doesn’t match your expectations, trust them. And don’t make your discomfort their problem—it’s yours to manage.” Parent-support groups (like PFLAG or Transparent USA), books, therapists, or trusted friends can help you work through your feelings. Managing your emotions responsibly ensures your child doesn’t have to carry that burden.
Get Help
Parenting isn’t a solo sport—it’s okay (and essential) to lean on your village. Whether it’s one trusted friend or a larger community, find your support network and tap into resources. For some, that’s family or friends; for others, it’s a faith group or online parents navigating similar journeys.
A same-sex couple who adopted a trans boy shared how finding an inclusive church made all the difference: “It’s a place where we feel like just another family. We’re seen and accepted without question.”
Remember, asking for help doesn’t make you weak—it makes you resourceful. Others have been where you are and will gladly share their experiences.
Final Thoughts
Applying these principles helps you support your child and grow as a parent. Your child is fortunate to have you, and you’re equally lucky to be their parent.
The original piece appears on Medium.com. You can find it here.
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