I can’t remember why I attended opening night alone but I was sitting in my middle seat, about 10 rows back from the stage, reading the program. The house lights were still up, while parents, siblings, grandparents, and such all filed into their seats.
I scanned the program for my kid’s name and headshot. Now a freshman in high school, my kid had long since graduated from the days when I wrote the bio and dedication for the program. At their request, my teenager had fully assumed these tasks when in middle school.
I found a familiar face smiling on the page, followed by the name and “they/them” in parentheses. Wait, what? I reread the pronouns and the bio. I reread them both as my eyes filled with tears. I felt so incredibly conspicuous in a sea of people I knew well. I’d known many in the audience for as much as 7 years.
As I watched the stage, anticipating the show, it became crystal clear that this community of their peers and role-model adults had known of my kid’s gender identity long before I had. Many of my fellow audience members had likely known for months, or maybe even years, whereas I had learned seconds beforehand.
As the show went on and my head kept spinning, I also felt embarrassed and ashamed. I had been actively supporting a niche of gender-diverse kids and adults in my private therapy practice for more than 5 years. Far from naive or ignorant, I served as the safe person for several kids in very similar shoes to my kid’s own. And yet, I wasn’t the person they had told first.
When this realization at the theatre occurred, I had been supporting gender-diverse kids and their parents, as well as gender-diverse adults since 2016. I was not green to these concepts clinically but experiencing them personally exposed a new level of vulnerability. On the surface level, my kid’s nonbinary status places them in a marginalized group, one that is so deeply maligned by the American government that countries like Canada have travel warnings for their LGBTQIA+ citizens. Diving well below the surface, I started to process a full range of emotions and thoughts about my kid’s gender identity that didn't have anything to do with politics but had everything to do with me being their mom.
Some initial questions that I asked myself were: Did I force-feed my ideas about gender through the clothes I bought for my kids, the games and toys I encouraged them to play, the activities I suggested they try, the media we watched together, or the books I read to them at night? Did I contribute to an environment that was uncomfortable or unwelcoming to the truest expression of themselves? Are they experiencing dysphoria and if so, how do they want to address it?
Lingering questions have been: Are they safe at school? Do teachers use the pronouns they request each year with an email on the first day of classes and follow-up reminders in class? Do they feel awkward using gender-specific bathrooms?
More recent and increasingly alarming questions have become: What accommodations can they expect in college and later in employment? How bad are things going to get? How will the current political fascination with anti-trans legislation impact their daily lives?
Being in a place of wonder, worry, and confusion as a parent has deepened my compassion for and understanding of the processes experienced by fellow parents of gender-diverse kids. I want to do right by my kids and, in turn, help the kids that I serve.
I set out to write this book hoping to change hearts and minds. I desperately want any mom or dad living in the U.S. to understand that my two kids, regardless of their gender identity, deserve all the protections, safeguarding, and resources that our country has to offer. I mostly want any mom or dad to see themselves in these stories regardless of their kids' gender.
On the face of it, those hopes seem obvious and simple, but this book will outline precisely how that assumption of safety and well-being for both of my kids and gender-diverse kids all over the U.S. is seriously under threat. And more importantly, it will offer a way for ALL parents to understand why we must stand up for these kids.
This is a sneak peek at my book. I am actively writing, and there is more coming! Please drop me a line and let me know how this speaks to you and if you're ready for more.
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